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EPam Wars Release Details


Spoiler Alert

Friday, May 1st at 5:00PM EDT


DOWNLOAD FREE at 4203.us

EPam Wars will be available to download, this Friday, FREE at 4203.us and EPamWars.com!


  • Over 10 playable characters!
  • Over 15 hours of gameplay!
  • Over 45 Achievements!
  • Over 60 unique skills!
  • Over 150 unique enemies!
  • Over 425 unique items!
  • Over 450 “celebrity” cameos!
  • (Literally) thousands of references!
  • (Oh, and did someone say mini-games?  Trust me.  There are mini-games…)

As gamers have come to expect from blockbuster Triple-A releases, EPam Wars will enter the world in a slightly less-than-polished state.  In the initial release the COMPLETE GAME will be playable ONLY in the JEDI difficulty mode. 

On May 8th, the first of two planned post-release patches will roll out.  This first patch will include the PADAWAN difficulty mode, as well as any bug fixes that are required after the initial launch.

On June 19th, the second patch will be released.  The only core aspects of EPam Wars that are not yet complete are the animations used by some enemies in battle (Aren’t those kind’ve important?  Nah!).  At present, every player animation and most boss attack animations are already complete.  However, a fair portion of enemies use placeholder animations that vaguely approximate the intended representation of a given attack.  The second patch will fill in all of the remaining animations as well as any bug fixes discovered after the first patch.

On August 29th, the second patch will be released.  This will include a roll up of all previously released patches, additional bug fixes (if there are any) as well as any balance changes suggested by the community.  The GOTY Set will also ship with a DVD containing the original EPam Wars film, now with producer’s commentary.

[Update:  The GOTY Edition is delayed indefinitely.  No one gives a fuck.]

So, there you have it.  EPam Wars:  Summer 2004 2015

The reality of the situation is pretty simple.  I set an arbitrary release date based on my “S.O.S.” tagline, came a little bit shy of cramming in everything I wanted, but decided to launch anyway.  Essentially, I’m doing what Notch did when he moved Minecraft from “Beta” to “Finished.”  The key differences being that I have plans to actually finish EPam Wars with all previously promised features intact, and I’m not saying it’s “done” just to make an extra 25% from each sale…  God, I hate Notch…


“Did you even ask anyone else to beta test?”
“I’ve literally asked everyone.”

3 responses

  1. Dianne says this is THE FINEST game she’ll play all year ;(

    May 16, 2015 at 1:23 am

  2. Faggot Crushing Gothic Killingspree

    Well, tomorrow’s the day. Let’s see if this shit actually happens.

    And what the fuck is this shit? Here we go getting all excited at the prospect of this game FINALLY getting released, and you fuck us over with a bunch of shit like betas and patches and GOTY editions and Future Funland editions and Postpartum Depression editions? What’s next, DLC? DRM? Why don’t you just FINISH the fucking game, and then release it, you lousy motherfucker! I guess it’s easy to release the game after all, if you don’t plan on releasing it in its finished form. I’m fully expecting another ‘Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing’ here.

    And you can only play it on Jedi mode? That’s like releasing Doom and only letting you play on the fucking Nightmare difficulty. And there’s an EPam Wars community now too? Am I the only member? I also don’t think May 2015 is quite summer yet, so delay it another month or two. That will give you the time you need to finish it, if you don’t slack off. Next thing you know we’ll be getting The Daigles in the summer of 2004, but it will be delayed until the summer of 2015, and then it will only be a 5-track EP, and then you’ll release the long-awaited full-length LP months later.

    April 30, 2015 at 11:35 pm

    • JEDI difficulty is more an equivalent to Hurt Me Plenty.
      CONTRA difficulty is the analog to Nightmare.

      May 1, 2015 at 9:39 pm

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