EPam Wars: Achievements Unlocked!
Greetings, fans of 4203 Game Studios.
EPam Wars is only a few weeks away. Thus, the time has come to pull back the curtain ever so slightly and let you all in on some of what’s in store. Over the coming weeks there will be a series of features detailing aspects of the game that have thus far remained unannounced. First up: Achievements!
EPam Wars features 49 achievements totalling 4,203 gamer points. 31 will be awarded over the course of the main story, while 18 are completely optional. Read on past the break for the full list. (Moderate spoiler warning.)
Episode I
Watch the scroll for Episode I.
Two-and-a-Half Men
Travel to Ryan’s house for Tumbles.
Episode II
Watch the scroll for Episode II.
Lazy Town
Defeat Bundt.
Guido Shot First
Travel to Breaker’s.
Kalm Yourself!
Listen to Mark’s story.
One Way Ticket to Hell… and Back
Travel to Hell and back.
Episode III
Watch the scroll for Episode III.
88 Miles Per Hour
Return to 2005.
Like Son Like Father
Allow Adam to be kidnapped.
Satirical Role Playing Action
Defeat Metal Queer.
Camino Goin’
Travel to Horn Pond Island.
Episode IV
Watch the scroll for Episode IV.
Looks Like a Frog
Travel to Star Market.
Mad Girl
Complete the Emilie Autumn cameo.
NEDM
Defeat Cyber-Dan.
Episode V
Watch the scroll for Episode V.
Can’t Be Done
Get Brett to leave his house.
Newton’s Law
Be imprisoned within Cloud’s City.
OnStar
Travel to the EPam Star.
Dirt Devil
Use the airlock.
I’m Riding the Bus!
Ride the bus to the Burlingtovakia Mall.
I Know Kung Fu
Meet Yipheus.
Jesus Chris!
Battle Chris.
Diff’rent Strokes
Defeat Webster and complete Resident EPam.
Episode VI
Watch the scroll for Episode VI.
Statically Defracticated
Pick up the distress signal.
Sandcastles In the Sand
Travel to Jimbob’s Palace.
Swan Song
Find the Swan Dharma station.
Boom! WINNING!
Destroy the EPam Star.
At the Heart of It All
Defeat Immelmann before the final battle.
Terminator!
Win 1000 battles.
You’re Sugar Shane
Save 100 times.
Pussy
Escape a battle.
Newman’s Own
Help out Top of the Muffin to You!
5’s a Crowd
Access the Party Exchange Screen.
Shane, You’re Losing!
Get hit by a car.
Pearl Necklace
Find the Pearl Dharma station.
Suns of Liberty
Complete the Big Shell.
This Is a Triumph
Complete all Aperture Science test chambers.
Chocobro
Get a Chocobo laid.
Where You AT-AT?
Defeat Emerald and Ruby AT-AT.
Master Using It and You Can Have It
Unlock Adam’s ultimate weapon.
Wii Play
Unlock Ryan’s ultimate weapon.
There’s a Turd In the Punch Bowl
Unlock Mike’s ultimate weapon.
Pulse of the Maggots
Unlock Shane’s ultimate weapon.
Regular Steve Rogers
Unlock Nicky D’s ultimate weapon.
Killionaire
Unlock Ken’s ultimate weapon.
Piss Off, Bub!
Unlock Brett’s ultimate weapon.
There is all this gossip going on about me and EPam Wars and I have been laughing the whole time: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! It’s so funny. I mean, it’s harmless. I keep telling EPam Wars not to worry about it. I mean, people are going to talk about you, good or bad. If a person gets mad, they get teased more. I mean, me and EPam Wars are famous so……….. They are going to talk about us anyway. Then my 14 year old son Ryan Herrod gets jealous and mad so I have to settle him down. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! You should have heard him. Look, young computer games like me and I like them. It has always been that way. I don’t look my age and…… I really know how to play a video game. Now, I honestly don’t care what people say or think but, what EPam Wars thinks is another matter. Life is too short to take seriously all the time. Now about EPam Wars: My health has been bad for some time now and the only person I hear from on a daily basis besides Ryan is EPam Wars – besides the usual radio interviews. EPam Wars is a good, caring game and I think the world of it. To those of you gossiping about us, you can kiss my rear end for all I care. This is Jay Herrod again. Thank you.
January 27, 2012 at 6:12 pm
A few weeks away, huh? Well then, I look forward to airing my grievances next Festivus over it having not been released by then either. I mean, for christ’s sake Ryan, you couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe… I lost my train of thought.
January 16, 2012 at 6:00 am
I would love to get in on the next Festivus, just to air my grievances over this “EPams Wars” crap. I can’t wait for it to come out so I can laugh on my ass at its epic fail.
March 26, 2012 at 8:58 pm
I look forward to it, and not just because I’m in it.
January 14, 2012 at 5:49 pm