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EPam Wars: Achievements Unlocked!

Greetings, fans of 4203 Game Studios.

EPam Wars is only a few weeks away.  Thus, the time has come to pull back the curtain ever so slightly and let you all in on some of what’s in store.  Over the coming weeks there will be a series of features detailing aspects of the game that have thus far remained unannounced.  First up:  Achievements!

EPam Wars features 49 achievements totalling 4,203 gamer points.  31 will be awarded over the course of the main story, while 18 are completely optional.  Read on past the break for the full list.  (Moderate spoiler warning.)

Episode I

Watch the scroll for Episode I.


Two-and-a-Half Men

Travel to Ryan’s house for Tumbles.


Episode II

Watch the scroll for Episode II.


Lazy Town

Defeat Bundt.


Guido Shot First

Travel to Breaker’s.


Kalm Yourself!

Listen to Mark’s story.


One Way Ticket to Hell… and Back

Travel to Hell and back.


Episode III

Watch the scroll for Episode III.


88 Miles Per Hour

Return to 2005.


Like Son Like Father

Allow Adam to be kidnapped.


Satirical Role Playing Action

Defeat Metal Queer.


Camino Goin’

Travel to Horn Pond Island.


Episode IV

Watch the scroll for Episode IV.


Looks Like a Frog

Travel to Star Market.


Mad Girl

Complete the Emilie Autumn cameo.



Defeat Cyber-Dan.


Episode V

Watch the scroll for Episode V.


Can’t Be Done

Get Brett to leave his house.


Newton’s Law

Be imprisoned within Cloud’s City.



Travel to the EPam Star.


Dirt Devil

Use the airlock.


I’m Riding the Bus!

Ride the bus to the Burlingtovakia Mall.


I Know Kung Fu

Meet Yipheus.


Jesus Chris!

Battle Chris.


Diff’rent Strokes

Defeat Webster and complete Resident EPam.


Episode VI

Watch the scroll for Episode VI.


Statically Defracticated

Pick up the distress signal.


Sandcastles In the Sand

Travel to Jimbob’s Palace.


Swan Song

Find the Swan Dharma station.



Destroy the EPam Star.


At the Heart of It All

Defeat Immelmann before the final battle.



Win 1000 battles.


You’re Sugar Shane

Save 100 times.



Escape a battle.


Newman’s Own

Help out Top of the Muffin to You!


5’s a Crowd

Access the Party Exchange Screen.


Shane, You’re Losing!

Get hit by a car.


Pearl Necklace

Find the Pearl Dharma station.


Suns of Liberty

Complete the Big Shell.


This Is a Triumph

Complete all Aperture Science test chambers.



Get a Chocobo laid.


Where You AT-AT?

Defeat Emerald and Ruby AT-AT.


Master Using It and You Can Have It

Unlock Adam’s ultimate weapon.


Wii Play

Unlock Ryan’s ultimate weapon.


There’s a Turd In the Punch Bowl

Unlock Mike’s ultimate weapon.


Pulse of the Maggots

Unlock Shane’s ultimate weapon.


Regular Steve Rogers

Unlock Nicky D’s ultimate weapon.



Unlock Ken’s ultimate weapon.


Piss Off, Bub!

Unlock Brett’s ultimate weapon.

4 responses

  1. Jay Herrod

    There is all this gossip going on about me and EPam Wars and I have been laughing the whole time: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! It’s so funny. I mean, it’s harmless. I keep telling EPam Wars not to worry about it. I mean, people are going to talk about you, good or bad. If a person gets mad, they get teased more. I mean, me and EPam Wars are famous so……….. They are going to talk about us anyway. Then my 14 year old son Ryan Herrod gets jealous and mad so I have to settle him down. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! You should have heard him. Look, young computer games like me and I like them. It has always been that way. I don’t look my age and…… I really know how to play a video game. Now, I honestly don’t care what people say or think but, what EPam Wars thinks is another matter. Life is too short to take seriously all the time. Now about EPam Wars: My health has been bad for some time now and the only person I hear from on a daily basis besides Ryan is EPam Wars – besides the usual radio interviews. EPam Wars is a good, caring game and I think the world of it. To those of you gossiping about us, you can kiss my rear end for all I care. This is Jay Herrod again. Thank you.

    January 27, 2012 at 6:12 pm

  2. Faggot Crushing Gothic Killingspree

    A few weeks away, huh? Well then, I look forward to airing my grievances next Festivus over it having not been released by then either. I mean, for christ’s sake Ryan, you couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe… I lost my train of thought.

    January 16, 2012 at 6:00 am

    • Mike Ward

      I would love to get in on the next Festivus, just to air my grievances over this “EPams Wars” crap. I can’t wait for it to come out so I can laugh on my ass at its epic fail.

      March 26, 2012 at 8:58 pm

  3. I look forward to it, and not just because I’m in it.

    January 14, 2012 at 5:49 pm

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