Emilie Autumn: The Asylum Tour: The Door
Emilie Autumn came to town this weekend, bringing with her The Bloody Crumpets on their 2011 Asylum Tour, The Door. EA and the gang did not disappoint, as they put on a fantastic victoriandustrial stage show. Naturally, I was there, camera in tow, to bring you the scoop straight from the show floor. Read on for my full account.
The show was held at The Armory in Somerville, MA this past Saturday. Shane came along begrudgingly. I invited him mainly because I was afraid of the swarm of rabid goth girls sure to fill the crowd. Of course, after we arrived and Shane saw the spectacle we were in for, he quickly changed his tune and became just as excited as I was.
We were giddy like school girls.
The crowd grew ever impatient as the lights dimmed and we were treated to twenty minutes of darkness. Finally, as “4 O’Clock” began to boom throughout the massive arena, the first of The Bloody Crumpets took the stage, and the crowd went ballistic like Ecks vs. Sever. Captain Maggot appeared from behind the clock brandishing a sword.
According to Shane this was interpretive dance.
She was joined by The Blessed Contessa and The Naughty Veronica, before we saw Emilie. She finally showed herself wearing a mask in silhouette behind the clock.
Seymour Skinner’s idea of a great Friday night.
EA wearing a mask inspired by Adam’s Champions Online character, Masquerade.
The group busted into “Opheliac” as Emilie removed her mask. The music blasted as she screamed at the crowd in her worst singing voice. Honestly, I don’t know why she insists on singing that song so poorly.
Emilie Autumn with Shane’s true love, The Blessed Contessa
The Naughty Veronica and Captain Maggot
After taking off the stupid mask, Emilie and the rest of the Crumpets showed off some rockin’ synchronized dance moves.
Once the song was complete, Emilie collapsed from exhaustion. She performed “The Art of Suicide” from the comfort of her wheelchair.
“The pain too pure to hide”
The gang plowed through “I Want My Innocence Back” and onto “Liar,” during which Contessa attempted to murder EA.
“Ahhh, fresh meat.”
By now it was time for the first break between songs. I had already exhausted the disposable camera I managed to smuggle into the show, and had spent the rest of the time so far switching between two phones trying to snap as many pics of EA as I could, like a papparazzo who left his good camera at home. After all, my stalking proves my virtue. The lights came back up as Contessa took the stage. She began shoving an obscene amount of cookies into her mouth, like a sexy Cookie Monster. Then she spat ’em on the crowd.
Spitting on people is a crummy thing to do.
The show was going along smashingly. Thus far, I had identified every song from a single note and was having the time of my life. There was but one furry problem. A gigantic, 8-foot tall bear stood dead centre in the front row for the entirety of the show.
As regular readers of this site already know, the furry web comic, Concession, recently closed up shop with an ending that was eight frames of pure fan service. Of course, it was this website that broke a story days earlier revealing a leaked edition of the final comic. What was seen on this site was vastly different from what appeared in Friday’s edition of Concession. According to one reliable source, it was the extreme negative reaction to the original comic that forced a last minute rewrite. With all this in mind, I have little doubt that blocking my view was this furry’s way of sticking it to me for writing the article in the first place, and bringing such bad press to Concession.
It got to the point EA had to climb the stage just so the rest of the audience could see her.
Note the angry expression on her face.
Classic WeedWacker Style
Emilie took to the front of the stage to inform us she was not here to entertain, but rather to recruit us for the Asylum Army. As you are no doubt aware, she refers to us loyal fans as Plague Rats. This is a concept Shane can’t understand. In his eyes, being an inmate in a poorly maintained Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls, one would never come across a disease carrying rodent. It must be nice to have that kinda money. What I would give to live in a 19th century asylum that didn’t have rats.
I know I’m ready to Fight Like a Girl!
EA climbed the stage again during “Dead Is the New Alive.” I was especially excited to hear this, as they played the Manipulation Mix by Dope Stars Inc, from the Liar/Dead Is the New Alive EP which totally shits on the original. Once atop, I couldn’t argue that Shane was wrong. There was definitely some interpretive dancing going on.
Either that or she was calling out the furry. Seriously, WTF?
I wonder if she was climbing so much in honour of Black History Month.
For the sake of this blog, it was at this point Veronica and EA got into a spat. Emilie flung insults at Veronica all because she wanted to play the harpsichord; EA’s harpsichord.
Emilie: “You are nothing but a cheap, common hussy!”
Emilie: “I know that you’ve been thinking about playing my harpsichord.”
Veronica: “Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. The harpsichord.”
EA only relented after Veronica promised to play it really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, well. After Veronica stretched her fingers (“not [her] primary tool”), the two performed the instrumental “Unlaced” to rapturous applause from the fans.
The real reason for the cheers.
To quote the great Jesse Consopolis: “Have mercy!”
The highlight of the night came next. EA put in her authentic 19th century ear monitors and rocked out with the epic solo, “Face the Wall.” This is the final tour before the song is retired, and proof that violin is the new guitar.
It’s ironic that she was turned around for the other song.
Alas, much like this blog post, all good things must come to an end. The gang finished with a cover of “Bohemian Rhapsody” that puts the original to shame, and took their bow in front of the audience. A bunch of people in front of us had apparently never been to a concert before and thought this really was the ending. However EA, true to her word, returned to the stage to play “What If” from the album Enchant. She had not played this song live in some time, but Tweeted a while back that she would play it again if the show sold out, which it had. She was a little sketchy on the lyrics.
“What if I’m a crowded desert? Too much pain with little pleasure. What if I’m a something that is something something else?”
After the show, Shane and I gathered ourselves up for the long trek back to the hospital where we parked. Yeah, we’re that goth.
We also don’t care much for your empty threats.
On the way out, we were luckily pointed toward The Naughty Veronica, hanging out in the corner signing stuff for fans. We got in line, watched her make out with a girl who was in front of us in line, and then posed for pics.
Filename’s in the third person so he won’t forget that he’s me.
Note the lack of Hover Hand.
With that the night was over. We went on our merry way, arguing over who put on the best performance. I have to give the kudos to Emilie herself, of course, but Shane was insistent the best entertainer was Contessa. So I made him a GIF of her dancing atop the harpsichord, as promised.
Enjoy it, bud.
See what I did there? It’s like an encore!